I ran into an old, well she’s young and I doubt she would like to be called old, friend a couple weeks back at Chipotle, even weirder that a vegetarian was at Chipotle, but that’s besides the point. We ended up talking about how men don’t really age mentally about mid-way into middle school. And it’s true we don’t age mentally about mid-way through middle school and it boils down to one reason. Boobs. A, B, C, D, girls get thing during middle school. So it clicks finally, that all those really hot actresses that we saw in movies, they were as flat chested as those girls who we knew in elementary school. That means that they were going to get breast. As middle schoolers we pictured that every girl got large ones after a while, kleenex was just a helping agent, so in time, we to would get to see these things that have started to pop into our fantasies.

Under the same delusion, we were all the coolest person to walk the face of the earth. Even with our collection of Star Trek comics in folder that we could read at a moment’s notice. We were cool and there was a good chance that we were going to see boob now.

My belief that men really are stupid (it varies from moment to moment, but we are stupid) stems from this idea that we peak mentally when we reach 13 or so. Oh sure, we get cars, mortgages, children, bills and jobs, but once you peel all that away, we’re still horny little middle schoolers who get excited about seeing cleavage and side-boob. Almost as much as seeing the real thing.

Of course this makes women crazy (it also varies from moment to moment), because they hope that beneath all of complexities we give ourselves, that there is something besides the giggling, horny  middle-schooler who’s trying not to be obvious about looking down a shirt of some random girl as they pick something up. We aren’t so it makes them crazy because we’re so damn stupid.

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Soon I’ll have a new 404 page up. I found an image of Yonro the College dropout on Youtube when I tried to play an episode of Shin Chan on the work iPad. As you can see it might be the most perfect image of being rejected while searching for something. Yonro the college dropout is good for something after all.

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Once there was a chemical leak so bad that everyone in a 2 mile radius had to go the hospital. People were puking up and all I wanted was eat eggs. Roommates who would have Mexican standoffs over dishes with food growing sentient. But the moment my sister starts to fart, I’m pretty much that little girl screaming & crying.

There have been dead things left in cars in the Arizona summer that have smelled better. It’s awful. My sister 4’11″, maybe a little a buck after an all you can eat buffet had potent enough gas to make the chrome melt off of a trailer hitch.

Again, this me wanting to run away.

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I’ve come to an understanding. I’ve known this for a while, but this is me publicly making this known: I’ll never be a big hero. Maybe a little hero that saves someone before being crushed by a giant used tampon, but nothing more. I’ll be another arch-type. I’m the Woody Allen. Nervous, twitchy, smart ass, who is sort o a sidekick that isn’t behind him all the way. Who’ll get hit, but it would never be that bad since I made a decent joke beforehand.

I’ll never stand up with my man tits and crotch pointed at the world with a backlight and my hair being a de-facto cape. I’ll be stealing some limelight on the B-roll telling that the hero has to look for the right area to stand before he makes his big comment to the world. Generally it’s me going and scouting for him, looking for a kid or a really hot woman to hold onto. He’ll get the gorgeous girl(personally she looks a little to done up) and I’ll get her somewhat really naturally attractive when she’s not around friend(she looks almost the same when she gets up in the morning as when she went to bed).

We both have dumb luck, he pushes it and I just try not to think about it. He’s the guy who stands in front of  a group of people exchanging gun fire and I’m under the table with my beer trying to stay out of the way. We begin to get choked up with the waitress gets hurt. Him because he couldn’t save her and me because she dropped that pitcher of beer I ordered.

Of course when it comes to our views on life, he’ll be god and country with the knowledge that his actions will change the world. Mine are more a long the lines that while my benefits are pretty good, I really could use a cost of living increase.

So I’ll never be that big hero. Which is OK… Who wants to be that guy that everyone wants to shoot at.

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Back a few years ago, I was a huge coffee drinker. I drank a lot. Which caused me to pee a lot. A lot a lot. So this had an unfortunate response of me dribbling. From a guy who likes to wear khaki colored cargo pants it is unfortunate to see spots on my pants. You can only blame water splash on your crotch for so long. That means you have to dab to have the urine to be drawn to the paper as fast as possible. Thankfully there was a single men’s room. But the title means there is something to the story.

Once years ago, while I was still in my current job under a different name, I had to pee. Which is fine and all, but I forgot to lock the door. While dabbing, in comes the Director. To walking it would look like I was cleaning up after a jerk. The look on his face, was pure horror. I’m sure mine was a combination of embarrassment and horror. Here I am cleaning after myself and here is my boss seeing what looks like one of his subordinate finishing up jerking off during the work day.

The director just about faces and walks out the door. I walk out and duck my head for the next few months. It was the proper thing to do by two men. Don’t confront what had happened, just avoid eye contract and not mention that ever again. EVER.

There isn’t an easy way to bring that up moment. “Uh… Yeah boss that wasn’t me jerkin’ off. That was mean cleaning up because my coffee consumption is so high that I dribble worse than an invalid on rainy day.”

You’d be able to see a giant bull shitting all over the place with those words coming out of your mouth. It’s a hard sell for anyone to make and even great for someone to believe. Hell, even I wouldn’t be able to believe it. It was never mentioned and a few days later, there was a deadbolt placed on the single men’s room.

It was a real unfortunate misunderstanding.

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You’ve heard the phrase “that’s gay.” It’s been used so often that it’s gone from past offensive to desensitized back to offensive. I’ve come to a compromised. Instead of gay, things can be queer. At least with queer it has a few more entries in it outside of homophobic in nature.

Here is a large portion of the word queer on dictionary.com

• strange or odd from a conventional viewpoint; unusually different; singular: a queer notion of justice.
• of a questionable nature or character; suspicious; shady:Something queer about the language of the prospectus kept investors away.
• not feeling physically right or well; giddy, faint, or qualmish:to feel queer.
• mentally unbalanced or deranged: Glenn Beck is queer. [editor's note: Casey added this on his own accord. This isn't on dictionary.com's definition of the word 'queer']

So we’re going to use the term “That’s so queer.” It is using the word queer in the right manner. In a sense, like Randell Graves from Clerks II, I’m taking the word back. I’m taking back queer to be something that isn’t used as a homophobic slur. In a sense it’s a transitional phase. Since queer still has that homophobic feel, we’re going to gently move the term over to the none homophobic use.

Besides, whenever I hear the word “gay,” I don’t think:

Oddly enough, this isn't what I picture when I hear the word gay.

But since I grew up on re-runs, the idea of the word gay, I think of this:

This when happens when I think gay. Over time, some homosexual overtones after a while.

I see the Flintstones. A group of people who overall were very gay. And not the homosexual above but the happy people who travel and vacation together all the time and where constantly hatching a scheme is looked upon as a good thing.

So again, we are now changing “that’s so gay,” to “that’s so queer.”

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When I was at the ACE Hardware getting glass and I see this magnificent pipe wrench that was three feet in height. I can only imagine how many people need a wrench that’s this large.

FYI: It’s $300.

Pipe wrenches

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One night a week, my sister and I have dinner at my mom’s house. It’s a chance to catch up over the week & I get to do laundry. It’s pretty nice time. My sister being my sister has the balance of a drunkard on an ocean liner during a storm. I took her laundry to the car. My mom’s neighbor was tracking a giant scorpion with a broom and the headlights of his friends car. I had to get a photo of the scorpion before we directed the car to run over the scorpion.

I apoligize in advance for the quality of the images. This was about 20:30 with headlights, pen light and the “flash” on the phone.

This is when the scorpion was alive.

This was a minute later when it the car ran it over.

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Because of my son, Lucian, I have  a dream of owning a yellow Fiat500. The Fiat500 shares a history with Lupin the 3rd, a fictional thief. The Fiat500 also shares some history with the movie Cars and one of the people behing Studio Ghibili, the studio behind Spirited Away and Porcco Rosso from the valley of the Wind.

The little Italian car is now making a comeback in a big way since it acquired controlling interest in GM. Late this year the revamped 500 is coming to the United States. This time with a possible engine that is low on CO2 gas and fuel economy that can almost match a Prius. Here we get a car with lines and curves that at times are sorely missed in todays world is slants with a great fuel economy.

Fiat 500 - Coming soon

Wired.

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